So...
Yeah.
I'm getting two tattoos by the end of January.
Their gonna be badass.
The first is of a music note heart that's going to go on my chest.
The right part is the bass cleft and the left part is the treble cleft, but upside down.
Whenever I sing with my friends, I sing the lower part of the song and they always sing the higer part, so it's perfect.
The right side is me, and the left side is for my friends.
And the other is going to be two cinnamon stick crossing with the word "Cinnamon" below them for my beloved first pet.
It's gonna hurt like a sonofabitch, but that's ok.
I'm totally stoked.

Alright, so I had my birthday a week or so ago.
On the 22nd.
And I'm now 17.
^_^
I got a mini motorcycle for my birthday and it's just about the coolest damn thing ever.
It's not a crotch rocket or a pocket rocket.
It's seriously a "mini" motorcycle.
I love it.
And I just now got myself a phone.
Well, last Thursday I did.
I'm now a pro at texting.
And today my sster's gone into labor, so I'm going to be an Auntie again by the end of the day.
XP
I'm not going to school today so that I can go up to Ocala to be there for her.
So I, yet again, miss a day of school.
And I had a test today.
Crap...
I can always make it up.
SO yeah...
This is the end of my journal.
Bye bye.

To hope that some day I will find someone that belongs to me is something that I wish for with all of my heart.
But every single bloody time that I think of a guy that I've liked, I think back to how they have never returned the same feelings.
Here I sit, at my best friend's house, with a headache, eating cereal, and ranting about the lack of non-feminine affection that that I seem to have a thing for not receiving.
What is it that I am doing wrong?
How come my feelings have never been returned to me?
Have I not done something when I should've?
Have I waited too long to express myself and my feelings?
Or have I done something that has made it so that I can never know what it is to be loved by someone other than family, or someone close to family?
Or is it just how I act?
How I see things?
Can there be someone out there that will one day return me feelings to me in the same frequency, or in a stronger frequency?
Suppose that I never find such a man?
What am I to do then?
Will I grow old and live with a million pets?
Almost every day I wish that there was someone that would return my feelings, but I am slowly starting to lose hope.
Slowly starting to think that I will never have someone to call my own and to be claimed by.
I hate the feelings that race through my heart and my mind.
I wish that there was someone out there that could help me to sort them out.
Someone that could stay with my whilst I am lonely and keep me company.
But I start to doubt that I could ever find such a man.
I doubt that even if he exists, I will find him.
Such a lonely existence that I have acquired.
One that I have slowly come to loathe.
I know what most of you are thinking: "O, whoa is Chelsea." but you've taken the time to read this rant of mine, so that must mean that you have some measure of a care for me.
I leave this journal entry with the thought that maybe, just maybe, I am wrong.

It's been over two months since my beloved Cinnamon died and her death, whenever I think about it, still makes me ball my eyes out.
The thing that gets me the most is when I picture in my head the moment when I placed my shirt (that I had been wearing all through-out the day) around her in the basket.
As soon as I did that, like withing 2 seconds, she had calmed right down.
I think that it's the most amazing thing that she did what she did.
Cinnamon knew me by my smell.
She knew who I was.
She knew that I loved her with all my heart.
She knew that I was the one to raise her, make her my baby, my first.
I knew that she loved me in her own guinea pig way.
I just cannot seem to get over the fact that she's gone.
Every time that I hold Sugar up to my face to give her a kiss, I wish that it was my Cinnamon.
I love Sugar to death, don't get me wrong, but when you've had something for a long time, and you've had the gift of raising it, nurturing it, loving it, you'll know what I mean.
Cinnamon is with her sisters now, and I loved them as well.
But I cannot possibly replace my first baby.
Selena was a lover, Popcorn a fighter, and Cinnamon a mixture of both.
Sugar is shy, hyper, and lovable.
But I still wish that I had my other three girls.
I could've stopped Popcorn's death.
I could've prevented Selena's death.
And I should've been better at researching new things for guinea pigs before I thought to give Cinnamon the Vitamin C water.
I could've stopped all three of my other girls from dying.
Does that make me out to be a terrible pet owner?
Am I at fault for my babies dying?
Am I to keep this blame with my the rest of my life?
Ah, there I go again.
My eyes are watering.
Well, I've got to go to bed now, and I'll most likely cry myself to sleep again.

"Match Maker Found in Hell"
by: Chelsea Barfield

Left out and
Disreguarded
I left me home
Broken-hearted

Depressed and alone
I wander my mind
Looking, looking, looking
For whaterever I might find

Love is stolen in
Midnight dreams
Held together by
Thinner seams

Alone again I stand
Wishing, wishing, wishing
That I could hold your hand
Just one last time

Tear my heart open
And leave it to bleed
Rejection finds its way in
Done only by your deed

Like puzzles pieces in a box
You can put me back together
Your power over me is grand
But you throw me away forever

A match maker found in Hell
Is all that I have left
To give me waht I wish for
My heart not to be cleft

Of no use I find myself
Lost forever in the dark
Waiting, waiting, waiting
For the light to finally spark